Back to School… Back to School…

Things are looking up.  At least, I would like to think they are…  I’m not totally sure yet.  Last Monday night we had a meeting at the firehouse.  Afterwards, I pulled my Chief aside for some advice on my EMS career path.  The DUI I got in January 2011 is holding me back from a paid EMS gig and I’ve been having second thoughts on keeping my EMS license.

After talking to my Chief, I decided its time to go to Medic class…  in the Fall of 2013.  I’m still not ready, I hate to admit it… but I’m scared to go to Medic class.  Which is pretty stupid because I’ve seen some of the people who have gone to Medic class before me… and to put it nicely, I wouldn’t let them touch me if all my extremities were ripped off in a horrific combine accident.

My chief mentioned that I may have to take Anatomy and Physiology I and II or Human Form and Function as a prerequisite to getting my Medic license.  I never heard anyone else mention that before, so I decided to start looking into it before I got in touch with the system coordinator.  Of course my chief was right.

Seeing as I want to go to Medic next Fall, and I have to take one of the two classes before I go, that means I’m looking at going to class soon… as in the next 2 weeks.  And hope to Batman that the class I take doesn’t interfere with the EMT-Basic class because I’ve been added to the list of potential instructors to teach the incoming EMT students their skills.

The bottom line is, my DUI is going to affect me for a few more years..  But the fact is Medics are more in demand than EMT’s, so getting my Medic license, even with my DUI, will give me better chances to get hired.  So, I guess its time to start getting some more ducks in a row and get my ass up to the hospital and talk to the EMS coordinator so that I can run back to the station and get them working on my loan (My department is going to pay for me to get my Medic certs!!!).  If I want to take Medic next Fall, then getting this Anatomy and Physiology class done ASAP is essential.  I’m done fucking around and not accomplishing anything while I’m unemployed.

Speaking of…  I (hopefully/most likely) scored a part-time job teaching the new EMT students their skills.  I just have to complete the orientation, take the adjunct instructor session, and sign some paperwork.  Its decent cash per hour and money is a major plus, but I’m looking forward to actually teaching these new potential EMT’s the correct way that skills are done.  Granted, once your in the field, 80% of “How Things Go”, go right out the window because what happens on scene is never what they teach you in class.

I never saw myself teaching… however teaching the skills I’ve been using for the last 3 years should be pretty easy.  I’m named as one of the strongest/smartest EMT’s on my department, and most of my Medics want me to run with them on HOLY SHIT calls… and if I love my job, and do it well…  it should be easy to teach others something I love doing and comes second nature to me.  Should be, but we shall see.  That, and it is a nice little add on for my resume!

Like I said… things seem to be looking up.  I’m not going to keep my hopes up too high, and I’m not going to jinx myself by overly talking about it with people.  My next step is to make some phone calls in the morning and see if I can’t get the ball rolling on getting into school for the upcoming semester.  We’ll see what happens!  Wish me luck!

3 Years Experience + One Mistake = FUCKED… {for now}

I’m in tears…  I’m having trouble trying to not smash a window or break something.   I just feel like shit these days… I feel hopeless and worthless…  Like a fool, chasing after something they can never have.

I’ve been unemployed for over a year now, my unemployment benefits just ended, and I’m watching everyone I work with at my volunteer department get hired onto paying jobs.

It hurts so much to watch people who I know are not as well qualified as I am for a job, get hired for one reason…  A “clean” background.  The only thing I have on mine is a DUI from Jan 2011.  It’s still a fresh wound on my life, from personal to professional.   I know its going to affect me and my career, but it just rips my heart out each time I get turned down for a job I know I am qualified for and I deserve.

I watch my crew members come in each week and talk about their new jobs and see how happy they are.  And I want to be them.  I want to be able to join the conversations and brag about my paid job.  I watch them walk away from the volunteer department because the time is no longer worth the conflict of their paid jobs.  I’ve been at my department for just shy of three years, and I am a veteran now.  There are very few people I volley with that have more time on the squad than I do.

I’ve had 2 interviews in the last year, and it’s not a lack for applying.  One interview was a video store manager position, and the other was a paid EMS position.  I failed to gain employment at either.  The video store said that my one night a week at the rescue squad was too much to accommodate, and the EMS job said no because of my DUI.  It was too “new on my record”.  Basically, they meant it was too expensive to insure me to be able to drive the ambulances.  Its been a year and a half… Most companies have a 5 year limit.  That gives me another 3.5 years of sitting on my ass, volunteering, and hopefully finding some type of job that makes me miserable just so I can get a paycheck….

I just wish people would give me a second chance… see past my DUI.  It doesn’t make me who I am.  That was a mistake made from hanging out with toxic people, letting my guard down, and acting a fool because of hard emotional issues I was dealing with.  I don’t go out every night, or every weekend and get drunk.  I don’t go out and get drunk, and drive home either.

Hell, the last time I went out and had a drink was last Friday.  It was my birthday.  I didn’t get drunk, and I didn’t drive home either.   And before that?  No clue when the last time I went out was, because I never go out anymore.  Since my DUI I realized the stupid shit I was doing, the stupid way I was acting, and I shaped up.  I wish it was something else other than a DUI to get me to open my eyes, but that isn’t how things played out.

I just know how hard I’ve been trying to change my life… the way it was going… the way I was acting… the way I was living.  I’ve managed to change 90% how things were two years ago…   But it doesn’t seem to matter.  It doesn’t seem to make a difference.  No one see’s anything but my mistakes and my past.
I want them to see me.  To see the good in me.  The things I can do, and the things I want to do.    I’m not just that girl.   The girl with a DUI…  I’m an amazing person, a little out of the box?  Yes, but still amazing.
I love my job.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I’m good great at my job.
I have dreams, goals
{of becoming a Flight Medic}
I have a heart… a huge one.

I’m just sick of watching everyone reach the things I’ve been trying to grab at myself…  If it wasn’t for that stupid DUI, I’d be exactly where I want to be… a paid EMS position, in medic class, getting my medic license, and waiting a few years to pass so I could apply for a medic position on a helicopter.
Am I jealous?  Yeah, a bit.  I know that most of these people I’m thinking about as I write this, are incompetent and couldn’t do the job nearly as well as I could.

I screwed up.  Pretty decently.  But that screw up doesn’t define who I am… and I’m sick of it labeling me.

Hey, At least I’m Not High on Bath Salts…

🙂 I’m feeling pretty good these days 🙂

Aside from not having a job, everything else is looking up.  I’m almost done with all my DUI requirements and I only have 2 more hours of DUI class left to go.  It feels weird to say, that I wish I had more hours to complete.  I’ve really been enjoying the group therapy classes.  I have met a lot of really cool people and the instructor is pretty awesome.  Do I wish I never got the DUI in the first place? Of course.  However, I’ve finally been able to pull some positivity out of the whole mess.

Step One:  I’ve been working on trying not to focus on all the things that bring me down.
I’ve always been my own worst enemy.  Always.  95% of the bullshit I’ve dealt with since I was a teenager, and up until now, was pretty much my own fault.

Step Two:  Focus on the things I have in my life that make me happy, like the Squad.

I’m enjoying my time at the squad again, and just shutting out all the drama that pisses me off with that place.  The legal issues that started last year have progressed, and has (not to the departments choice) been made public.  I wont go into any further detail because its on the EMS blogs and I like to keep some anonymity.  However, that means once again, big changes are coming in the next few days.  We are going to be losing a lot of people, and I’m thinking I may end up having to fill in extra weeknight’s until we get new people in those spots.  *Oh well, I just need to think of it as  more time on the ambulance…  and that always makes me feel better.  I. LOVE. MY. JOB.  I will end up in a paid position soon, I just have to wait my turn… or get a lucky break in the economy.

Step Three:  Quit acting like a victim.

I’m sick of feeling like a victim.  Too many people throughout my life have tried to make me into one, no matter how hard I fought it.  However, I am my own worst enemy, and I’m usually the first one to make myself feel like one.  With my bipolar and depression, its been way to easy for I/others to be able to make me feel that way.  In mid-2009, I had a cutting incident that landed me in the ER for stitches, and after that I decided NO ONE would ever make me feel as bad as I could make myself.  Up until a few weeks ago, that fact stood true.  And even now, I couldn’t tell you the real reason as to why I relapsed and cut myself.  But, even now… Who cares?  It was my own decision to cut, and I take full responsibility.

These days I’m focused on what really matters…  My end-stage COPD grandpa(who I live with/take care of), my crazy mother, my volunteer rescue squad, Nick* being 1000 miles away and coming home in three months (Insert HAPPY DANCE here)and most importantly; my PAID job search.  Like I’ve said a zillion times, I love my department…  But we are 100% volunteer.  I’ve been there 2.5 years… Its time to get paid!  I’m a GREAT EMT.  I am.  I found a career that makes me happy, and that I love.  That’s rare.

I just need to find a paid job, ANY job, and things will start falling back into place for me.  Hell it could be worse… I could be high on bath salts and eating some ones face…  Cannibalism… Yum…

Time for a Muscle Relaxer ;-)

It’s been one major pain the ass after another this entire week.  Yesterday was filled with medical appointments.  I went from the doctor office to the x-ray clinic, and then to the insurance agency that takes care of the Workers Compensation claims from my rescue squad, to fill out the paper work for the back injury I received lifting a patient two weeks ago, not mention dropping off/picking up my prescriptions for my back.  On my way to the doctor’s office, I got pulled over for supposedly “rolling” through a stop sign.  Cop was a bitch, and ironically it was the same department I got my DUI from.  I seriously hate that town.  They have been hassling me since last year when I got the DUI and their cops are assholes, not mention corrupt.

On Monday I started the 10 hour section of the Significant Risk classes I have to complete in order to wrap up the whole DUI mess (I still have 10 hours of Group Therapy to complete).  The class is four days long, and tonight going to the last class, I got pulled over again, only this time it was for speeding.  Since I didn’t have my driver’s license (the cop from yesterday took it for Bond) I offered my Rescue ID card as it’s the only picture ID I have at the moment.  As I sat waiting for the cop to come back to my car I  burst into tears, thinking about my court supervision and how I was probably straight-up fucked.  Luckily, this time around, the cop was more understanding and told me she wasn’t going to ticket me.  I’ve never said thank-you to a cop more than I did to the one that pulled me over today.

Aside from the ass-puckering cop drama this week, I’m just mentally drained.  Last week I finally managed to score a job interview for a management position for a video store.  The interview went great until we got to my availability.  Because of my weekend shifts at the firehouse I didn’t get the job.

I was thrilled just to get the interview, but was quickly disappointed.  It was the first interview I’ve had in the last ten months.  They keep saying the economy is on the rise, slowly but surely.  I think it’s a crock of shit.  I’ve applied to a countless number of jobs, some multiple times and haven’t had luck of any kind.  I’m starting to worry because unemployment only lasts a year and half, and it’s already been ten months.  If something doesn’t change soon, I’m scared shitless I’m going to still be jobless when my unemployment runs out.  The amount I get isn’t even enough to live on, but it’s something in the mean time… and to think about losing that small bit of income before I find work is starting to freak me out.

I’m glad that this DUI shit is almost over.  In some ways I feel like I can breathe again, but then I start thinking about the things that I need to fix… Like being unemployed, this new back injury shit (yes, my department will pay for my medical bills, but now I have to worry if the Workers Comp claim is going to affect my unemployment income).  Not to mention with this stop sign ticket, I now have to worry about it affecting my court supervision.  For all I know, I could lose my license and end up spending another assload of cash to try to fix this whole mess.  It just sucks.  Once again, I’m terrified of driving my car.

Its “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back” this week.  Each time I fix something, another thing gets screwed up.  Alas! that seems to be my entire life for the last almost 6 years.   I just want to get back on my feet.  That’s it.  I’m a job away from that goal.  If I could just find a job, I can start fixing things and start climbing way back up the adult ladder.  I’ll have less to worry about and be able to look myself in the mirror without any emotional or mental stress related to the last few years.  Which would be really nice.

Money… What a Dirty Whore

I hate money.   I really do.  Its the root of all that kills.  I wish we could go back to the days where we bartered items, skills, and services for the things we need.

I’ve never had money growing up.  Yes, the basics I needed were supplied through either my mom, or my grandparents.  I never went without, but I went with less than most.  No big deal to me.  Personally, I think its growing up a Section 8, lower class, single-parent family that taught me to value the money I did have.

I started working at 16, and had a job until I was 22.  When the economy starting getting raped, I started having issues keeping my job.  I kept getting fired or laid-off.  Currently, I’m unemployed, however this time I worked a full-time job and was able to qualify for unemployment.  I lost my job last June while dealing with personal issues and court.  I get a deposit every other Wednesday, and the monthly total is $464/month, hardly enough for myself to live on and make stretch for 2 weeks… But its better than nothing.  I am still able to pay my car insurance, and my phone bill, as well as my gas and cigarettes.  But, usually by the Sunday before payday, I’m either cashed out, or almost broke.  Thank Batman for my mom.  As much as I bitch about her, she does what she can to help.  She has paid my car insurance once or twice, and paid for a shit ton of repairs to my car last summer (granted, she was the one driving it, not me).

The thing that really irks me about money, is people who spend it frivolously.  Yes, that probably comes from being a poor kid, but still.  When I was growing up, I got the necessities, and nothing more.  When I was living on my own, I had a rent of $725/month, utilities, gas, food, phone, and car insurance…  Which averaged about $1200-$1300/month, when I made around $1100/month.  My bills were always paid.  Maybe a week behind, but still taken care off.  I took care of my debts, and then what was left I spent on food, and anything else I wanted or needed.  But I never bought anything…  When I had extra cash, I just held onto it.  Never attempted to start a savings account, or ever buy myself anything nice.  Just let it sit in the account, and roll over into the next deposit…

Tonight I ran into my cousin L* at the gas station.  I watched her talk to the guy  behind the counter, and lay out $25 on scratch-off tickets.  The other day, I babysat my niece so my cousin could go tanning and get a manicure.  A few weeks ago, I pet-sat her cats when she rented a car and took a road trip to the Florida panhandle.  The thing that bothers me?
My cousin is on Unemployment, just like me.
The big difference?
She has a Two-year old.
My cousin lost her job two months ago, and filed for unemployment.  She was fired from her job at Nike after 5 years.  Needless to say, she was accepted, and since then, I have watched her spend all her money on petty shit.  Not that she didn’t before, but at least then she was working.   Now?  She’s taking money from the government and wasting it on bullshit.

Me?  Like I said, I only get $464/months and cant make it work.  Its just enough to almost pay what I need right now.  Thank Batman, I don’t have a kid, but still!!!  It infuriates me to see her sit on her ass, and spend the money in such teenage ways.  I know at this point, she hasn’t started to look for a job.  I, on the other hand, spend at least 2 hours a day filling out online applications and searching for local jobs or EMS jobs within the area…
The money she gets, is wasted on bullshit.  She lives with her mom, who is buying all the food and baby needs, and therefore has the freedom to spend how she pleases.  What really gives me the red ass?  Her and her mom borrow money from my grandpa, who gets most of his monthly income from MY mom for rent.   SMH….

It makes me mad to see people like my cousin sit around and take advantage of a system that I’m also a part of.  I can barely take care of myself on what I get, and she just blows her deposits on tanning, nails, other petty bullshit; not thinking twice…  I haven’t even seen her buy anything new for her kid, just frivolousness spending on herself.

I hate being on unemployment, and you better believe that the moment I find a FULL TIME job, I’m taking it regardless of what it is, and getting my ass off of government help.  I’ll always do my best to make sure I don’t become one of those people who take advantage of government assistance.  There are a lot of people who genuinely need that money, and then there are even more people who sit there and abuse it.

It’s not fair, but then again, what really is?

Just Keep Swimming

This bipolar weather my area has been having is awesome!  
Its really been helping me to stay positive these last few weeks.

Not to mention, the planets have been amazingly within view this month!  I’ve seen Mars, Venus, Jupiter, and Saturn so far!

(But… I’m sure all this 80* March Midwest weather is an early sign of this Decembers Apocalypse.   Everyone better start looking for their Zombie Apocalypse Partner.  I found mine, so HA!)

Lately, I’ve been getting really down about the lack of respect and privacy from living at home, mixed with a little stress from the changes going on at the fire house, not to mention the fact that I’m still bumming about not finding a job yet.

I can’t stress enough about the money I owe to my family for helping me out with my legal troubles last year.  I owe a total of $2500, which is weighing on me heavily.  I hate having to borrow five bucks from my mom for a pack of smokes, let alone over two grand for legal fees.  
I’m thankful everyday that my family believes in me enough to have borrowed me that money.  They have all seen me bust my ass, and miss out on family events  for over 2 years to show up on duty, to a NON-paying EMS job.  They saw the desire and determination in my eyes to see fit to open their bank accounts to do whatever they could to help me.
I seriously need to start whittling that amount down.   One person at a time… 

Once I have a job, and start chipping away at that money amount hanging over my head, I can start to save for things I need and want, as well as put some money away every month to get the hell out of this nightmare-of-a-house. 
Everything is falling apart here…
My family has been here 40 years or so, and never paid off the house, let alone kept up on the repairs.  I can’t even flush toilet paper anymore because the plumbing as become some fucked up that the toilet backs up, the shower backs up, the bathroom sink backs up, and the kitchen sick drains sloooooooooowly.
Not to mention, the clothes dryer shit out months ago, and the washing machine is close to its own death.  

I’m not used to living this way.  When I moved out at 17, it was usually my own place, and if not it was somewhere that I had a hand in cleaning or the state of things.  
I never left my clothes laying around the house to get pissed on my animals…  
I never left food out on the counters overnight…  
I never came home from work and screamed at the people I live with.
 Its. A. Friggin. Nightmare.
( “Don’t say ‘friggin’, Russ. If you have to use the “F” word, go for the gold.”)

BUT, I’m determined to make this year different that last.  I’ve got my stacks of private ambulance applications and am currently getting my list of references together (I can actually say I have a list of respectable people willing to vouch for me.  I guess taking all those fire classes will pay off, even if I did decide not to go fire after all!)  
 

I AM GOING to get a job!
I AM GOING to pay off my family.
I AM GOING to get the fuck out of this house!
I AM GOING to get my shit back on track.
BOTTOM LINE 

 There is no other option.  I’m not sure when the balls will fall into place, I’m am sure that they will.  They have too.  I can’t be stuck in the bullshit “Unemployed” cycle forever.  Its a joke… a bigger joke than the people I called friends last year.

This year?  Its all about getting back on my adult feet.  I’m still working on it, it takes a bit of trying in this bullshit U.S economy… But I’ll find a job, and I’ll take care of my debt.
And seeing as my grandfather just randomly bought me a Sig Sauer, 22mm, I’m also in need of a FOID card.  Good thing they are only ten bucks!
Not to mention, me and one of the guys from the firehouse are going to go take the Motorcycle License class at our local community college, and here so long as you pass the class, its free.  They ‘ask’ for a $20 donation, but its not required.

I’m going to get back on my feet, and at the same time I’m still gonna have a little fun.  Its going to be a good year.  I can feel it.

Plus, N* is coming home for a visit in a few weeks…  It CANT get better than that!!! 

 

Can I get Some Mozzarella Sticks with That?

*Shaking Head*
This is unacceptable.

Okay, so girly truth time.  I just stepped on the bathroom scale, and the number I read pissed me off.

*Deep Breath*…
It read 130Lbs.

Being unemployed is finally taking its physical tole on me…  I went from my usual 110-115Lbs, to 130Lbs… No!!!!!!!

I’m not one of those Want-to-Punch-in-the-Face Type of girls who is obsessed with my weight… far from it actually.
In fact, I’ll be the first to admit I have a horrible diet consisting mostly of Pizza Hut pizza, pasta, hash browns (or other forms of potatoes), bacon, bread, Chicken, steak, and Mrs. Grass Soup {Extra Noodles}… due mostly to the fact that I’m the world’s pickiest eater (my future kids are screwed), and the other bit due to the fact that there is never any food it my house (yay for Mom never shopping!).  So, seeing as I have no job at the moment, and spend most days sitting on my ass either filling out online job applications or laying in bed… A occasional walk around the lake with the dog… Unless its Sunday night, then I’m at the firehouse…

Nonetheless, I’m not happy with 130.  I’m only 5’0 for fuck’s sake!!!  Medical information suggests I be anywhere from 98-128…  Great, good for medical science…
Me?  I want to be back to my normal 110lbs.  I’m small damn it!
Like I said, I’m only 5 foot Nothing, and have small B-Cup breasts.  I wear padded bra’s still because I feel like my chest is the equivalent to a 12-year-old back in the 90’s… (come on, we all know young girls aren’t built like they used to be… 10 year old’s look 18 these days!)
So, when I gain a few extra pounds, it’s a bit noticeable.

I’ve always had an inner battle with my weight.  I never let anyone know it bothered me much when I was on the heavier side.  My highest was 145, and I was in the 8th grade, and that was after a bout of Mononucleosis.  I wore baggy jeans and t-shirts, and hoped no one noticed…  That continued into Hell School.  By my Junior year, I started losing some of the weight and lost the (most of) the baggy clothes.  By the time I graduated I was down to 120 and happy with my pant size.
By 21, I was in my own apartment and scraping to get by… My lowest weight was 106 pounds.  I looked like Skeletor…

See???

I wanna get back to that ^^^^^  Plus another 7 or 8 pounds…  These days, people look at me and refuse to believe I was ever as heavy as 145lbs, but I have the pictures to prove it (will I ever show you? You’ll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers!)

Here is me... Five Minutes ago... Not exactly the same 'washboard' stomach.. lol

I’ve never had the healthiest diet, but I’ve never been out of control either… It hasn’t affected me the last few years… will that change?  Maybe when I get older, especially if I don’t change my habits now, errr soon…  But, I’m no dummy….  The muffin-top I’ve produced is mostly due to lack of movement…
Day after day after day after day… of sitting on my growing ass…

Aside from a paycheck, a way out of the house, and some people to talk to… a job (especially one like mine) keeps you moving and used to a daily routine of ‘exercise’.  Every movement is calorie burning in one way or another… And seeing as my biggest workouts consists of walking from my room to the bathroom upstairs… Yeah, I’m getting a lil extra fluffiness that I’m not thrilled about.

Its gonna come down to one of two things when it comes to this fat-kid issue… I either need to find a job and get my ass up out of bed and the house… Or, I still need to get my ass up out of bed and at least start working out… 15 lbs isn’t a lot.

I’m not going to turn anorexic and live off of crackers and water…  I want to drop 20 at the most, and just be able to fit comfortably into my favorite old pair of jeans again…  As well as lose that weird little triangle patch of fat between your boob/arm (girls… you know what I mean…)

King in the Can and the Marlboro Man

I’m in such a weird mood.  

I think its due to the weather…

Its 65* on a Wednesday, in March!  

It snowed just this past Sunday.  

Mother Nature.  Just like a woman to not be able to make up her mind.

My sleep has been seriously out of whack lately, however the last two days I’ve woken up before noon.  I think my brain is kicking its own ass to get my sleep regulated again. It feels good to be awake at 1130 and be able to get out and enjoy the nice weather…. Instead of waking up at 1700 and seeing the sky start to dim.

This whole “Unemployed” gimmick is getting old.  I know I’ve said that a few times now, but seriously… I have been back to my old habits of submitting online applications, and once again I feel like I’m running in place.  The whole snow plowing bit didn’t really pan out, seeing as my area has only received a total of 8 inches this entire season.  *Head Shake*

Going to the station isn’t holding the same appeal lately.  I’m not thrilled with all of the changes going on.  The things that are changing are glamour changes… New racks, lockers, office make-over….  People who break rules, and don’t show up to shift still aren’t being punished, and the fact that I was berated by a some drunk asshole in the bar for being on the department seems to make more sense.  I love what I do, the people I work with, and the place I work at… But I wish I could see different changes than the ones that are going on…

Just feels like everywhere I go, it’s a mess.  Home, the station, my own life…  It’s all a mess.  It’s all fixable, but in time. It’s nothing particularly overwhelming… It’s just getting old.

I NEED CHANGE!

I need to get a paid gig. Get out of the house.  Get my priorities in order.  I would really like to see a change in my life.  I’m sick of just talking about it.  It seems like I just “talk” about wanting a change.  I know it can seem like I’m not taking everything serious.  I am.  That I do know.  I can’t believe its been close to a year since I lost that 7Eleven job… I don’t care about all the statistics on the news.  I’m still out there doing it, and still coming up with nothing.

I haven’t quit though.  

I just want to get back on my feet.  I want to know that I have a paycheck, and can afford to buy a pair of shoes that keeps my feet dry.  Put gas in my car… Pay my bills… Pay my family back… Start saving for a place so when the Sell Date on my grandpa’s house comes in, I can have something set up for when we all have to move out…

*Weird Mood = Random Brain Vomit* …  Nothing I haven’t bitched about before.  🙂

Take this Internet Application and Shove It.

Its feeling like one of those days…  The kind where I want to hit someone in the face.  With a sharp, pointy object.

I’m just sick of not working.  I’m going crazy.  I just realized I’ve been out of work for almost 5 months.  I can’t stand it.  I feel so stagnant.   Everyday just feels the same.  Wake up, computer applications, smoke a few cigarettes in between, and if I’m lucky I can scrape up enough cash for a tallboy if I need beer…

This internet shit is a joke.  Forty minutes to fill out an application, for it to tell you the company isn’t hiring.  Even though you found the position applied for on a job website.  OR get an email saying they have decided to go in “Another Direction”.  That’s great.  Thanks for having me waste 45 minutes for an automatic ‘Fuck Off’.  Love it, I really do.

And getting off my ass to get out there to fill out a real ‘piece-of-paper’ application is almost impossible.  My mom uses my car from 1000 till about 1600.  That’s the best time to walk in someplace and show interest.  It really doesn’t look professional walking into a potential job at 1630, right when everyone is getting ready to head home for the day.

My job search has changed these days.  When it comes to the ambulance, I’ll take whatever I get.  But I’ve gotten to the point after 8 years of second shift work, that I really want to find something during first shift, if its not EMS related…  I can’t stand working till ten pm or later, and then being up all night.  It screws with my head.  I end up more insomniatic then I already am.

I just don’t understand all this tech shit.  It takes all the work out of looking for a job.  I miss the days when I had to get up, and out the door to look for a job.  It shows initiative, and an actual want for the job.  Anyone can sit on a computer all day.

I guess I just gotta keep trucking till something comes through.

Ugh, *headdesk*

This Just Isn’t Working

Its ten to seven in the morning.  I’ve been awake for almost three hours at this point,  and not because I had to be or wanted to be awake this early.  That dirty bitch Insomnia as been tagging along with me for the past few days.

I’m lost my job in June and I haven’t been as serious as I want to about my job search’s.  Understandably, the internet is filled with job sites, and almost all the companies these days use electric internet applications.  But it’s not laziness that keeps from looking more actively.  My mom is car-less at the moment, and her job depends on a car.  She doesn’t have a set schedule, and therefore needs my car at anytime.

Sounds like an excuse, I know… but I’m not even able to commit to getting anywhere at the moment.  I have shift at the firehouse every Sunday night, and it’s still a problem to get me one place, one day out of the week.  My car doesn’t seem to be mine right now, even after I spent all this year waiting to gain my driving privileges back!  I’m afraid that if I managed to find a full-time job, I wouldn’t be able to commit to being there on time.  And that worries me in this economy.  I can’t afford to find a full-time job, and not be able to commit to it because of the driving situation in my home.  My state has one of the highest (and rising) unemployment rates at the moment, and it sucks(as we all know).  The competition has always been high in healthcare fields… But the competition is high for all work fields right now. I searched for a year and a half just to get my shitty part-time 7-Eleven clerk position I got last year.

—

  I miss working full-time.  I got my first job at 16 years old.  When I graduated high school, I went from part-time to full-time, and became the assistant manager at 18.  From there, I had a job no matter what.  When I left a job, I always had one lined up and waiting, and always gave a two-week notice.  It wasn’t till 2008 that I started having problems.  The economy started nose-diving and so did my job history.  After working for 7 years straight, I found myself unemployed in a struggling economy.  I luckily had enough savings to pay the last two months on my rent lease before I moved home.  From summer of ’08, until February of 2010 I couldn’t find anything.

The ambulance companies I applied at interviewed me, but never hired  me because I still didn’t have experience they considered good enough for the field (even though I had several friends and classmates get hired right out of class).  I had a few interviews at the mall, none ever followed up with an offer.  I felt like I didn’t know how to interview anymore, and that in my early twenties, my skills and knowledge were already limited.  I blamed myself for a while, and took some time to finally believe the struggling wasn’t all me, but the economy as well.

—

  Either way, what I’m realizing is that I have to put my foot down.  I can’t let my mom throw fits about my car.  I’m an adult and have things to take care of, and can’t let her issue’s be my own.  I have to quit using the excuse of her incessant screaming, as my excuse to not look harder, and fill out those extra applications.  I always tell her that her problems won’t change without changing her actions.  I need to start heeding my own advice on my unemployment issues.  I heard she has a lead on a car.  That needs to be punch in the tit to get up and start looking for a job.  Seriously.