Dear Miserable Teenage Self,
You always thought life wasn’t gonna get much easier, and you were right… It hasn’t. However, over the years it has gotten better. Much better. I wish I could have sent this letter back in time, just to help keep your head up over the years. You would never guess some of the ups and downs your going to go through.
Well, after Grandpa died, you completely went off the deep end… Within 5 months of his passing, you tried pot for the first time,tried drinking for the first time (be careful, you end up in the back of an ambulance at one point), lost your virginity, and starting cutting yourself. That’s the beginning of your downward spiral. I know you loved him with all your heart, and still do. The tattoo on our skin proves it. He was the rock in life that kept everything else from falling down the mountain. It’s not surprising that we lost it after he died. But now that I look back, I will tell you this… He is in a little bit of everything you do. He helped keep us safe over the last 12 years.
I wish I could tell you High School got easier for you, but it didn’t. Remember that shit you started on the bus Junior year? Well mix that with your lack of credits, and we end up at the Alternative school. You were smart enough to take night class, so you still walked with the diploma from W*. But, do you really think it was worth being separated from everyone Senior year? Looking back know, it was the right choice for us, but it still sucked.
I’ll let you in on this little sweetheart, but you do manage to get out right after graduation, with a little verbal pushing from Grandpa… Fuck it, honestly he told you to leave, but you manage to pull your shit together and support yourself for 2 years before coming home, tail between legs, reeling from two crap-tacular relationships. But at least you had the sense to realize it was time to just go home, and work on a new start.
Leah Leah Leah… What am I going to do with you? Yeah, working the mall job sucked, but the decision you made to get yourself into college, was more than just “Out of the Box”. You managed to stay home less than a year before pulling that stupid stunt with Sasha (Dont, worry, you’ll know what I’m talking about when you meet him). I wish I could grab you by the shoulders, and give you a swift kick in the ass for that one. Seriously? What where you thinking? Yeah, he paid for your college, but made the rest of your life miserable for the two years you were married (Yup, got married young… dummy) and even managed to fuck your life up after the divorce. Drama, Tax Audits, and Russian swearing. I swear to Batman, I ever get the chance to time travel, you better believe I’m gonna travel back in time and plant my foot right up my own ass for that one…
Speaking of school, like I mentioned, you do end up in college surprisingly… And what’s even more surprising… Guess what for? Are you ready? Waaaait for it… EMS/Firefighting! You end up following in Grandpa’s footsteps. Can you believe that shit? So, far its been two great years of volunteer work on a 911 ambulance for a town you grew up near. Not gonna lie, you had a big screw up last year, and right now your still paying for it, so you haven’t found that coveted paid EMS gig yet… But keep your head above the water, once you realize how far you’ve come, your going to know that keeping your nose to the grindstone is only gonna pay off in the long run. Just keep with it, and don’t give up.
Boys… Yeah, your sucked at picking them as a teenager, and sad to say, it hasn’t gotten much better. You love hard, and too easily. We seriously need to knock that shit off. After Andy, your going to be torn apart. And so he is. Both of you, for a long time. Andy will be love of your life from the ages of 20-24, and I’m sorry to say, it wont be easy, and there will be many sleepless and tear-filled nights. Rob is another story… that guy has more issues than you do, and if it wasn’t for his gorgeous face, you would have never turned your eye towards him. Aside from Kevin and Andy, most of the other boys were just fillers. Just be glad you pulled the stunt you pulled while dating Ryan. Turns out he was a basically sperm donor (NOT yours, thank Batman), lying about the number of kids he had, and happens to be the kind of guy that cant be alone. He always needed to be in a relationship. He couldn’t be alone, and jumped from one girls bed/house to another. Be thankful you fucked him over, because if you were stupid enough to still be with him, you’d be stuck taking care of his kid, driving him around, and probably become the drunk you were turning into while you dated him.
Yeah, drinking… That’s another thing I need to warn you about. Remember how you hated drinking as a teen? Well, once you turn 21 you don’t… and by the time your 25 and dealing with the hurt from the whole Andy-thing, you end up hanging out with ‘friends’ you’ve known for 10+ years who only lie to you and hide details from one of the most disastrous/important events of your life… Long story short? You got way to irresponsible with your drinking once you start hanging out with loser friends from your past out of desperation of being lonely, who are drunks, almost turn into one yourself, and end up with a DUI. Which, does NOTHING to help your future in EMS. Good job dumbass. Its gonna take a long time to get over this mistake and put it behind you. Honestly, as I write this letter to you, I’m still dealing with the effects from that night out.
Your back at home by the age of 22. Mom is still crazy, and only getting worse. She drives you nuts, and your privacy is nonexistent. As hard as it is dealing with her, just remember… she loves us… with all her heart. She just has issues, and once your medically trained, your understanding of her brain damage makes it a little easier to just brush her off, however arguments will always be legend between the two of you… Just take that time you move back home and buckle down. Once all the other bullshit I have told you about passes, just focus on you, and getting yourself back on your feet.
Life has never been easy for us, you know that. I just want to tell you I’m so happy we never gave up. All though, that stunt you pulled in ’08 where you ended up in the hospital for stitches… you get over it, and it only makes you stronger. And guess what? That was also what it took to get us to stop, and so far we have four years straight.
Its never been easy… But it’s slowly getting better. I wish I could tell you in person. Time travel, really would be awesome. I really wish I had access to a DeLorean right about now… I’d sit down with you, and shake the shit out of you. Hind-site huh? If only…. Just keep your head up, I know you will… Its gonna take some time… But its gonna all work out when its the right time.
Love ya kid… until then… Take Care.
Love, Leah
LeahLidocaine's Domain... 