Dusting off my fingers and writing again…


Its been a while since the last time I wrote… its been  exactly 8 months since the last time I posted an entry.  As usual, lots of things have changed since my last post about my old rescue squad getting shut down. 

Mom, grandpa, and I resigned our lease for the house back in July 2014.  At this point we’ve been there a year and a half.   The longer we stay there, the more apparent it is that the landlord sucks and that the house had cheap ass work done to it before we moved in, just to make it look good.   I’m just thankful we’ll be able to cut out of the lease early if we need to, and I’m sure as hell not going to stay there for a third year.

Yeah… about getting out of the lease early…  grandpa passed away this past November.   He got a bug that everyone was catching in early winter and for 3 weeks, he refused to go to the hospital.  Finally he agreed and went in on a Sunday afternoon,  and he passed that following Friday afternoon.   By Thursday night, he was so tired and fed up of being sick and in pain, he signed hospice papers allowing the nurses to hook up a morphine drip and remove the bipap mask.  That stubborn old cowboy held on for 19.5 hours, and before the morphine knocked him out, his last words were “Give me a light” has he holds his arm up with an invisible cigarette in his fingers, finally succombing to a smoking-related illness.  How fitting.

The bills have gone from being split 3 ways, to split 2 ways and I’m lucky I got my raise after grandpas funeral, or we’d have already lost the house we’re renting…  The biggest change?   The silence in the house now.  I no longer hear the constant hum of the oxygen machine,  and the living room TV isn’t on full blast anymore.  The silence is deafening.   I miss my grandpa.   No more hockey stories, no more cowboy stories…  no one around to steal my cigarettes and to buy scratch off lotto tickets for…  its been almost 3 months and I’m still not used to the silence.

With grandpa being gone, I cant wait to be able to move out.  Right now I’m stuck staying with mom because she’s screwed without me.  She’s not trying to help herself in anyway.  The way her business is going and the way her finances are, she can’t afford to stay in the house we’re renting alone.  All in all, rent + utilities are around $1500/month.  I’m frustrated because I’ve already spent the last 6 years living at home helping with my grandpa.   Im going to be 29 this summer and I want to be back out on my own.  Its not fair that I have to put my adulthood independence on hold who knows how much longer, because my mom cant be an adult for herself. 

Im ready to start my life with my boyfriend.  Im ready to get a cheap, tiny apartment so we can scrimp and save for the down payment on our first house.  It took us 10 years to finally get together and I don’t want to waste anymore time.  This isnt just some random relationship.   We’ve been friends forever and we’re finally together.   It took me ten years to come to my senses and figure out he’s the one (he had it figured out when we met).  I’m with the man that I’m going to marry.   The man I’m going to have babies with… the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with… and I couldn’t be happier. 

I’m ready to start the next chapter of my life.   I’m ready for a new beginning.   But still, things aren’t perfect.  My determination to be on my own, and to be independent again is hindered by my guilty conscience about my mom not being able to hack it alone…  but I know I can’t sit around and forfeit my happiness because of her self-pity.  I know when the lease is due to renew, I cannot sign it and strap myself into another year letting her depend on me.


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