I got a text today from someone I didn’t expect…
“I need your new address”
That was it, nothing more.
I haven’t talked to my dad in more than two years. The only contact we’ve had was a birthday card I got from him this past July. We had a sort-of falling out after I went to him for help with my DUI and he refused. After 25 years of disappointments from him I wasn’t surprised, but I was still hurt. The conversation ended with an argument and that was the last I heard from him.
I spent many years of my child and teen years wishing he was in my life, that he loved me and treated me like he was happy to be a father… but finally came to the conclusion that I could wish for and want a relationship till I was blue in the face, but if he wasn’t interested, it would never happen. For the last two years I’ve worked on accepting that he wasn’t a small part of my life anymore, but rather not a part of it at all. I’m 27 after all, I can’t keep holding onto childlike dreams of having a “loving” father who wants to be in my life.
When we quit talking, I told myself I was going to hold out on speaking to him until he finally called me. Five months went by and I broke down and called him to wish him a happy birthday. No answer… left a voice mail, but no return call ever came. After that, I decided I was done. That was that. That was all I needed to keep holding onto my stubbornness and refuse to try and contact him…
For the last 2.5 years, I’ve forgotten about him more and more as the days pass. Why keep trying? I’m an adult now after all. Why continue to wish for a father who doesn’t seem to care; that was never there, when I have an entire family that loves, respects, and supports me.
I’ve been telling myself that for over two years now.
Suddenly I get a birthday card and a text message and I’m supposed to pretend the last 2.5 years never happened? Act like I’m fine and perfectly happy? It doesn’t work that way. “I need your new address“?
That’s it? That is all I get after all that time of silence? Bullshit. You don’t need my address, you need to tell me your sorry! You want my address, be a man and call me! Call me and apologize for the last two years, apologize for the argument, tell me your sorry for not helping me and that your proud of the strides I’ve made WITHOUT YOUR HELP. Tell me you’re sorry about all the years you made me feel unloved and unwanted, apologize for all the important events of my life that you missed. Tell ME that you’re proud of me, don’t let me hear stories about you at your high school reunion, drunk and talking about a daughter you know nothing about and haven’t tried to contact!
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say… I don’t even know how I should feel about this. Its only a text message, but more than anything I’ve gotten from him in years… Never knew a simple 5 word text could throw me into a minor anxiety attack either. I’m confused, disappointed, numb, sad, lost, hurt, but most of all I’m angry.
At this point I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be the one who caves. I’ve been strong (and yes, stubborn) in my feelings and beliefs in this situation and I don’t feel like its right if I’m the one who cracks now. I’ve tried for years of my life to reach out… maybe it’s time he starts feeling like I have…