Nagging Thoughts

I feel like my brain is flashing a “Warning” sign.  I’m on mental overload these days.  My family and I finally found a house, so that issue is put to rest… but then there is the pain in the ass issue of finishing packing and actually moving everything.  I’ve gone from 7 cats, down to 4, with the goal of final number of felines being two.  I’m stretched thin between the Doc office and running extra shifts on the ambulance (now that I get paid, I don’t mind covering short-handed shifts).

I just need a break, a get away from everything that has been going on these last 6 months.  If only for a weekend, I could get away from everything and forget about the new stress that is ahead.  The thoughts invading my brain the last almost-30 hours isn’t helping…

 

I was already having nagging thoughts in the back of my mind about my exboyfriend Andy.  I’m not sure why, but they have been popping up in the most random times and won’t stop.  I can’t make sense of it.  I broke up with him.  And now two years later I wonder if it was the right choice.  It doesn’t help that I saw him yesterday…

He came by my house to pick up two of my cats, a replacement for the one he had to put down and a help to me from having to put them in a shelter.  I knew he was going to come by between 4pm and 6pm.  I kept waiting for a call from him letting me know he was on his way over.  Around 5:30pm, my mom called my name and when I came upstairs she was gone.  My back was to the door way of the kitchen and when someone grabbed my sides and startled me, I was even more shocked when I turned around and saw Andy standing behind me.

To say I was startled is actually an understatement.  I figured I would have time to put on a little make-up and do my hair so I didn’t look like a total bum.  Immediately I had butterflies in my stomach and felt like my heart was in my throat.  I didn’t know what to say and felt like a high-school girl, embarrassed and shy.  I’m sure my face showed it.  We gave an awkward hug and without really knowing what to say, I grabbed one of the cats he was going to take and started telling Andy all about their personalities.  After a few minutes we went outside to smoke.

Awkward first few minutes of talking.  I couldn’t even look at his face because my heart was still pounding and I was still a bit in shock from seeing him in my kitchen for the first time in years.  To make matters worse, as we were talking outside, one of the cats snuck out of the house and we spent the next 45 minutes to an hour trying to lure the cat from under the porch and then chasing him a few yards down before the cat was terrorized and hid.

Imagine chasing a cat intended for your ex, around 3 yards, after you haven’t seen them in almost 2 years.  Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it.  

After almost 2.5 hours he decided it was time for him to get home to feed his other cats, and said he would come back down another day to pick up kitty number 2.   I said my goodbyes in to my kitty, wishing that he didn’t have to go…  I’m not sure who I wanted to stay more… my cat, or my ex.

When he hugged me goodbye, I could smell how good he smelled and I didn’t want to let go.  The hug lasted about a minute, and it was tight and I felt comfortable in his arms.  I dug my face in his neck and had to fight the urge to cry, still unsure what the real reason for the tears would have been.  For a fleeting instant, I had to fight the urge to kiss him.  After everything we had been through, and what I put him through after breaking up with him, I knew an act like that could only make things worse… for both sides.  It was hard letting him go and I managed to keep my tears in until he was gone, with my kitty.

I know I have to see him again soon to give him the other cat.  I’m not sure what will be worse.

2 Responses to Nagging Thoughts

  1. Henry says:

    About a year ago when I started reading you blog it was all doom and gloom and how sucky life was for you at the time.

    Totally different story now.

    I’m glad things are coming right for you.

    • Thanks. I’m trying to make it better in my head… I get the keys to my new place next week, the Blackhawks just won the cup… I got nothing really to complain about at the moment! 😉

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