Talk bout feeling out of the freakin’ loop.
You have no clue what is going on,
or how things changes so damn much.
I know I don’t have kids…
I’m pretty sure that is the case seeing as
my vagina is still intact and I don’t have
ankle-biters running around.
Actually… I’m honestly surprised that I don’t
have a kid at almost-27-years-old.
Not saying I’m a slut, or anything like that…
Or that I haven’t had my fair share of scares whilst in a
(all though I’ve had my moments)
But I guess taking advantage of the free birth control
at the county clinic is harder than
taking advantage of honest, hard-working taxpayers’ money…
(Damn it Foamy… You took the words right out of my mouth!)
Okay, now that I got the bitter part of my rant out-of-the-way, I guess I can try to get to the real point of what’s bugging me…….. So, these last two weeks, my best friend M* has been in town from Washington state. She moved 5 years ago and hasn’t been home since. We’ve kept in touch (waning over the years) via text, phone calls, and Facebook. When she moved she had one kid… now she has three. My other best friend V* has a 6-year-old… my cousin has an almost-4-year-old…. and every other important female in my life, past or present, is now a mother.
I know me and the females in my life are closer to 30 than to 20 years old, so it’s not surprising that some of us are married, engaged, pregnant, or already a parent… However, it’s a huge pain in the ass that none of them (except ONE of them) can go out and leave “Being Mom” at home, or talking about their kids. Example…… One of the nights that M* was in town, I was able to corral her, my cousin L*, and myself together to go out for a night of “adult fun”. It was nice that their daughters are the same age, so it made it easy to set-up a play-date/sleepover and escape for the night. However for me, most of the night was spent standing on the outside of the semi-circle we created of ourselves sitting at the bar, listening to them talk about kids, being a parent, “baby-daddy” drama, and all soft things warm and fuzzy about parenthood. Not to mention the ghetto-bopping guys they ran into that both of them apparently knew. So, all that mixed together, I had a pretty uncomfortable and lonely night.
Did I at some point get quiet and purposely hang out in the background? Yes I did. Funnily enough, I was accused of doing it on purpose because my coworker from the firehouse (who was gracious enough to play Designated Driver to three obnoxiously drunk girls) who showed up at the end of the night to take us home. → But what was I supposed to do? Tell them to shove their baby talk and act like a bitch? I obviously had nothing to contribute to the obsessive conversation about first-steps, baby vomit, and potty training nightmares. I was disappointed that after not seeing one of my best friends IN FIVE YEARS, that the conversation of the night was monopolized by her and my cousin about something I couldn’t understand. I was hurt that I couldn’t be a part of a conversation, and even more hurt that neither one of them seemed to notice that I was sitting on the outside, quiet (if you know me, then you know I’m not quiet) until I wandered off to the bathroom sniffling. I’m hurt that even after being cornered in the bathroom, neither of them seemed to really include me in the rest of the conversation of the night.
Just because you push out a kid(s), doesn’t mean that your life is over… it doesn’t mean that you have to forget that at one point in time, you were an independent person with dreams, goals, wants, and plans… it doesn’t mean that you aren’t ‘You’ anymore… it doesn’t mean that you have to give up your interests and forget about everything you once enjoyed. It’s just another facet of who you are. Being a parent is a part of you… it does not become all of who you are. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong… After all “I’m not a parent”.
Don’t get me wrong, I want kids… someday. Someday when I’ve accomplished a few more things I want to get done… such as go to paramedic school, or gotten my “dream job” on an ambulance somewhere, do some traveling, OR maybe even find the right person to settle down with and have said kid with! I want to live on my own again… this time on my own. No roommate, no significant other to help pay the bills. I place I can genuinely call my mine. Simple shit.
Most of the circumstances I’ve seen people my age, in this generation, go through and deal with to get to where they are in the whole “Parenthood” realm isn’t what I want. I’m happy that I went to college, and that I’m doing my time on a volunteer rescue squad to build myself to better prepare for a future paramedic career. I’m happy to still be living with my grandpa and helping take care of him during whatever time he has left (hard to believe, I know). I’m happy I’ve had a few relationships crash and burn (and hurt) in order to learn what I want in a partner, and who that person will help me grow to be, and to learn the type of man I want next to me while raising kids. I’m glad I’ve done all that before actually having a kid(s). Fuck… I still want to go out with friends, and have a few too many drinks at a concert, and still be able to make mistakes with the consequences only affecting me, and not affecting a kid. I want to be able to change my mind and my path if so be it, I want to be able to enjoy whatever amount of freedom I have left until the bigger things I want actually start to fall into place…….. I want more, to do so much more before I have kids.
Still, that doesn’t mean feeling like you’re on the outside doesn’t suck sometimes…