The Knot at the End of my Rope Feels Like its Coming Undone

Five… Four… Three… Two… One…  Commence breakdown.  

Tonight I finally lost it… spent a good hour in my car with my ambulance partner in the parking lot of the firehouse screaming, crying, swearing, and scaring the shit out of him with my honest thoughts and comments (that usually I would keep to myself… even from him).

Too say I’ve been overwhelmed lately is nothing short of an understatement from Hell.  With getting my wisdom teeth pulled (and trying to pay for it), packing the house and STILL looking for a place to move to (down to less than 30 days with no prospects), working at the Doc office where I get called stupid on a weekly basis by my boss, and working double shifts at the firehouse for the entire month of March (Remember, I’m just a volunteer) I’m burnt out.

Tonight I went to the monthly meeting at the firehouse, and I went for a specific purpose…  To collect on a deal/”promise” that my Chief had made me in exchange for working Sunday nights as well as my regular Thursday night shifts.  As unfair or immoral as it may have been, my Chief knew I’ve been going through hard times and knows about the house-situation with my family, he told me he would help me out financially if I covered an extra weeknight for a month.  So, five extra unpaid shifts later he welches.

Writing about this makes me feel like I’m breaking his confidence and makes me feel guilty… makes me feel like somehow, no matter how hard I’ve worked on keeping any and all names, places, and people out of this blog, that somehow I’m going to get someone, if not myself,  in trouble…                             However, he backed out.  He didn’t pay up.  There was no set amount…  but no matter what the amount he would have given me, I was counting on that cash to help out with all the shit going on.  Had I known that he was going to screw me out of the promise, I would have never went to the dentist and got my teeth pulled, something that I couldn’t afford…  no matter how bad my teeth were getting.  I’d have some money pocketed for our security deposit for wherever we end up (if it’s not the street first), I’d maybe even have been able to save up some cash to pay off another cousin.  I could have used those 5 nights to help pack up the house, and maybe have a lot more done than we do now…

The deceitful promise broken to me by my Chief (one person I actually trusted to help me) tonight finally pushed me over the edge and I had a full-on emotional meltdown.

I’m sick of people.  I’m sick of doing things to help out others when its obvious that no one is willing to help me.  I’m sick of covering my coworkers ass at work so she can go work day shifts at the firehouse and make more money.  I’m sick of bullshit calls at the firehouse, having people misuse the EMS system and treating us like a cab service.  I’m sick of my grandpa with all his secrets and asking me to buy him cigarettes when he is on oxygen 24 hours/day with COPD.  I’m sick of my mom with her un-medicated mood swings and untreated car-accident-related brain damage.  I’m sick of my cousin texting me at work to watch her kid, or straight up dropping her off at my house without even asking.  I’m sick of my Aunts and their callous disregard for their father’s health and home situation.

The only person I can rely on these days is my ambulance partner…. and most of the time I think it’s just because he wants to get in my pants.  I’m so hardened towards people lately that I can’t (or won’t… not sure which) even let myself trust that the one person that I know has been there for me the last few months is really there for me… or for himself.  He’s a good person, a rare type of male that I’m not used to in my life… instead of embracing what is a great friend and support system I desperately need right now, I’m feeling cold and untrusting towards him and the reasons he wants to ride with me, or watch a hockey game off shift, or go get a pizza.

I am sick of feeling like the world is against me.  I know that the world isn’t actually against me… but it would be nice if I could feel like it wasn’t.  I’m even more fed up with thinking that no matter how hard I try to be what I think is a decent human being or no matter what I change, no matter how positive I try to look at things… that life will always be a struggle, a fight.  That I won’t always have to worry about this or that… that I can have some sense of stability .. a sense of trust… a sense of comfort.  Even if its small.  I wish that I could wake up one day, JUST ONE DAY, and not have to worry about this, that, or the other thing.  One day isn’t too much to ask… is it?  

One day I want to feel like I can fully trust another person…  Whether that person is a friend, family, or lover.  I don’t care which one, just someone…  I hope to one day feel like all my struggles, fighting, bad times, and refusal to give up on this hell I’m currently living will eventually be worth it.  I hope that I can look back and laugh… look back and think “Hell, Leah… look at where you are now.  You were still a dumbass when you were 26….”

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