Okay, I’ll shut up now…

You know that annoying moment when you can’t stop thinking about someone?  Someone you’ve hurt, bad.  

You want to talk to them so badly, it drives you crazy?  But you have to restrain yourself day after day not to attempt any contact, because you know that all your going to do is rip open wounds on someone who doesn’t deserve it?

After all this time wounds have healed, people have moved on, bitterness has subsided, and you learn to live with dull ache in your heart, whether you wanted to or not.  Yeah, one of those feelings.

Its been almost 2 years since I ended things with him.  I was so wrapped up in the troubles and goings-on’s that were consuming my life.  Our relationship had been in a bad place for a while, and I figured it was time to quit beating a dead horse, so to speak.  With everything I had going on, I just couldn’t try anymore to fix something that seemed broken beyond repair.

The last few months… he has been sneaking into my mind, way too much.  All this time, I was happy to know that he had finally let go of the bitterness he held for me.  Happy to see him move on with his life, get help for issues I urged him to look into years ago.  Glad to find out he had become independent, and become the person I knew he was going to be.  I was happy to see that he had managed to move on with his life.  After all, I was doing all of the same things, wasn’t I?

The last almost two years have been spent focusing on fixing my legal issues, working on trying to become employed again, forgetting the pain of ending a relationship, working on a plan to get back onto my adult feet.  My legal troubles started two years ago, and ended last June.  It took 15 months, but I found a job working in healthcare (not the ambo, but its a paycheck).  I managed to knock down some of my personal debt and am currently working on the rest.  The only thing left is to save up a nice wad of cash so I can get into my own place.  I’ve spent all this time trying to fix things, and convincing myself that I’ve moved on from most things.  

But I think I’ve been lying to myself.  I’m not 100% sure.  I could just be retarded, which some people would argue is the case…  But all this time, I’ve been so proud of him for moving on, and believing that I have too.  But what if I haven’t?  If I had truly moved on, would I be thinking this way?  If I “moved on” like I claim to, then where are these incessant thoughts coming from?  This urge to see him?  Hear his voice?  What the fuck?  What is wrong with me?

Am I dealing with late onset Post-Traumatic-Break-Up disorder?  
Am I selfish?  
Am I crazy?  
Am I a glutton for self-punishment?
Or am I just another girl with stupid thoughts?

Who knows… Cause I sure as hell don’t.

2 Responses to Okay, I’ll shut up now…

  1. Jim says:

    Leah I think that just because you think about him doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on. Does moving on mean that you don’t care? Does it mean he’s magically wiped from your mind? Knowing you the way I have over the last year, I believe that you do care. Sometimes I think that you beat yourself up over things though. Love ya! , Jim

    • I know I still care, and no it doesn’t mean they are magically wiped from my mind… but the way its going through my head isn’t the same as in print… I can’t put all of in to words.. It doesn’t make sense when I do… That’s the hard part. That’s the scary part. That’s the confusing part.

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