I can’t sleep. As per usual. *Beats insomnia with a steal-toed boot* Nope, didn’t work. Still awake over here…
Insomnia has always been that annoying life-long friend. As far back as I can remember, I’ve had trouble falling asleep when I’m supposed too. Then again, I’m sure now in my adult days, giving into those afternoon naps on short work days doesn’t help. I was always the last one to fall asleep at a sleep-over, my boyfriends would always fall asleep before me when we spent the night together, and even now… no matter how tired I can be, as soon as my head hits the pillow, BAM! Wide awake.
I sit thinking about unpaid debt…what interesting TV program I’m missing… how much a douche my boss is… Somehow that always ends up into weird scenarios that are otherwise meant for a daydream (such as what if the hot guy from the band suddenly notices me?), what if I was driving my car and my hood flew up and shattered my-already-cracked windshield .. and I was wearing my sunglasses from JW*, then MDR is responsible for saving my life? … leading into an image of a unicorn breathing flames of rainbows being ridden by a cat in a top-hat™. WTF? Yeah, exactly.
I go in spurts of things that can put me to sleep… I’ll go weeks/months with having to lay in pure darkness and silence, and then all the sudden I can’t sleep unless I have a movie I’ve seen a million times playing in the background (Sweeney Todd usually does the trick, or used too). Sometimes its music, and other times I can’t sleep unless I have Kreacher (one of my many cats) in bed with me. Currently I’m in a phase where I must have TV on and the cat. The silence drives me nuts and makes me think of even more weird shit, such as what would happen if I got into a car accident? What if I wake up and I’m paralyzed? What if I wake up and the world is dominated by Dwarfs and all average height people become slaves? See, more stupid shit.
At this point I’ve battled insomnia for a majority of my life, and I’m way past the point of being sick of it. It effects my schedule, my work, my attitude, my health, my energy. Nine times out of ten, as soon as I get off work I go straight home. I’m too tired to care about anything else but getting into my fleece Batman jammy bottoms and climb under my heated blanket and just watch something mindless on the TV till I pass out, no matter what time I get off. I mean, I can pay all my bills over the phone or online, I don’t have extra money to blow at “the mall” or on some expensive electronic item I want… so I see no point in going out to stores or anyplace along those lines. The only thing I tend to do these days is hit up the convenient-distance-from-home MDR concert. Aside from work and my weekly ambulance shifts, I don’t do anything. I used to be the girl who was out every Friday and Saturday night, along with a few nights of the week… Hell, I was lucky enough to get my old best friend back in my life around a year ago, and I could probably count the times we’ve hung out on my fingers and toes.
And now I think its finally time… I’m going to talk to a Doctor about my sleep issues. I go see the female-parts Doctor this coming Wednesday, and I plan on bringing up all my other concerns with her. A lot of it could be linked to the Depo-shot I was on last year, and if not, at least she can hopefully point me in the right direction… and if that direction is too costly, then I guess I’ll suck it up and sit and talk with the Doc I work for… Shit, I know he hands out meds like a hooker does handjobs, so if worse comes to worse than I’ll go to him.
I have to take control of this sleep issue. It’s not just “regular” insomnia at this point. It’s a full-blown problem, a legit health issue. I’ve realized and taken care off/control of other mental issues in my past. If I can deal with anxiety, depression, Bipolar, suicidal ideations… then why can’t I get a grasp on this insomnia shit? I can, and I will. Starting this Wednesday, I will finally delve into the depths of my insomnia and take control.