Father of Mine

So I’ve been rolling this around since a few days after Christmas…  I’m not sure how I feel about it, or what I should do.  Should I pick up the phone and call him?  Should I just drive over to his house, and for the first REAL and final time, lay out my feelings?  No matter how much or hard I cry? I’ve said for more than a year that I was done with him.  I figured he felt the same way, after all… the phone goes two ways.  Why should I always be the one to reach out?

Okay, so a few days after Christmas I got a Xmas card in the mail… from my dad.  I haven’t spoken to him since July 2011.  Inside was $200 and a hand written note; “Sorry the card is a few days late.  I’ve been broke.  Love Dad (and R*)”  {his girlfriend}.  I didn’t expect anything from him.

DDCUBE

The last time we spoke was a year and a half ago.  I called asking for financial help with court for my DUI.  It was a few days past my birthday (which he didn’t call me on) and asked him if he could help me.  His answer?  “No, but I’ll give you $50 for a pair of shoes for your birthday”.  Less than a week later, there was a weird mis-communication between some news about my sister.  I heard she was really sick, and when I talked to her and found out it was her mom who was sick, she flipped that Dad’s gf had been “talking shit”.  Next thing I know, my dad is blowing up my phone, yelling at me for talking to my sister.  Lays out an ultimatum that I have to choose a relationship with him, or with her.  Well… seeing as he and I never really had one, nor did me and my sister (different moms), it was an easy choice.  Still don’t have much contact with her, unless she is arguing with Dad.  All I can tell her, I quit talking to him… Can’t help ya Sis.

The rest of 2011 went by with no further contact between my Dad and myself.  I broke down and called him on Christmas Eve 2011, mainly ’cause its his birthday, only to have my call get ignored and sent to voice-mail.  I left a message (that was never returned), and since December, never bothered to call or get in any type of contact with my Dad since.  Fathers Day 2012 came and went.  Internally I struggled if I should just “do the right thing’ and call him.  My stubbornness won, and I never called.

Same thing with my 26th Birthday.  It was a year since our last contact.  It came and went without a phone call, a text message, a card in the mail…  So, with the rough past he and I had with my resentment for him never really being a dad, I finally just let him go  I finally let the idea of having a relationship with my dad go.

What was the point?  I already had 24 years of heartache between him and I.  He never fulfilled his role.  His parents were “Dad”.  He never was.  I spent too many tears as a child… as a teenager… as an adult, wishing that he loved me, that he talked to me, that he cared for me, that he reached out to me, that he wanted a relationship with me.  In one of the most important times (so far) in my adult life, I reached out to him while filled with disgust, embarrassment,  and a sense that I would get turned down… only to be proven right for the millionth time.  Not to mention, yelled at and given an ultimatum about my sister.  Done.

The last year and a half I’ve worked on trying to make myself *Okay* with not “having a dad”.  I cried the last set of tears I vowed would ever be spent on him, and started moving on.  I decided that I didn’t need him, that I had male figures in my life (cousins, uncles) that were more loving, supportive, believing, caring of me than my father had ever been.  Fuck, my cousin D* (who isn’t even blood, but married INTO my family) has given me more support, advice, love and everything I ever wanted in a father, in ONE conversation!

In my head, I had let go of my dad.  And in my head, I figured my dad had forgotten about me.  He has his girlfriend, her family, her grand-kids, her daughter and her famous boyfriend (yeah, believe it or not, my dad’s girlfriend, her daughter’s boyfriend is dating one of the guys from ‘LOVE AND THEFT’).  He has his parents house, his truck, and his job.  To me, he must have been happy.  After all, I hadn’t heard hide nor hare of him in how damn long?

Then all the sudden I get this Christmas card filled with the money I asked him for 1.5 yrs ago, with an “I’m broke” pity note inside.

Am I supposed to feel bad?  Feel sorry?  Pity him?  Cause I sure as hell don’t, not for him anyways.  Ten days later, all I feel is anger… frustration… confusion….   What the fuck?  Seriously.  I spent the entire time we haven’t talked, being unemployed and worried about my family and our house being foreclosed/repossessed.  I worried about the impact my DUI would have on my EMS future…. worried about working… worried about my Grandpa getting sick last year and spending 6 weeks in the hospital/respiratory rehab.  I worried about trying to pay my court fees/fines and how to pay back the members of my family who cared enough to lend me money, whether they could really afford too or not.  All without the love and support of my “Father”.

I’ve been broke my whole life, rather my mom was… because of him.  Why should I feel bad that he is having issues now?  He gave my mom $80/week for child support.  I went days not being able to bring lunch to school.  I didn’t have what all the other kids did.  Why should I feel bad for him, now?  I refuse too.  I vowed after the falling out we had last year that if I were to get married, lets say tomorrow…  my cousin D* gets the honor of walking me down the wedding aisle, giving me away, the “Father/Daughter” dance.

Like I said… I let go of the idea of my Dad, being “My Dad” a long time ago… Long before the falling out, but the actual falling out was the straw that broke the camels back.  At my age, I don’t need to hang on to a relationship with a father that has had no real interest in being a father….

But this is the confusing part.  I have had myself so convinced that he didn’t care about a father/daughter relationship , and was so shocked to get the card from him.  I don’t know what to do.  I told myself a million times over, that I was done… and the ball was in Dads court.  The problem?  I never expected him to reach out, even with something as little as a Christmas card.  The problem?  I don’t give a shit about $200 or a Christmas card.  Money is money, paper is paper.  I expect he remembers a part of our conversation.  At my age and the history we have had…  I want NEED more than that.  I need a phone call.  I need something more than a Christmas card filled with cash to tell me, show me he cares.  

You can call me a bitch, call me selfish… whatever.  The history between my Dad and I is so long that it would deserve its own blog to fill everyone in.  The point?  I still don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to call him and thank him for some cash.  I want him to call me, and tell me he is sorry… that he is wrong for how he acted last year… how he has been wrong 90% of my life.  It may seem to be a lot to ask, but as my Father and what I know he has done to me and acted… I think I deserve it.  I do feel guilty in a small sense that I haven’t talked to him since I got the card.  But I’m not going to let some money break me.  I may feel confused about the issue…  but you know what?  I’m not.  I deserve what I want from him.

I won’t budge till he breaks.  I’ve broken to many times in the last 24 years.  Its his turn.  Maybe if he hurts a small percent of the amount I have, he will get it.  Maybe it will click.  Doubtfully, but I would rather wait on him verses break myself and give in to the promises I’ve made myself over the last few years.  If I break, than I lose.  I’ve already lost too much when it comes to my Dad.  I’m gonna be 27 this year, and I refuse to lose anymore over him.

Still… Doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder.  Still doesn’t mean that I know what I should do, as opposed to what I should do(think about it… that sentence does make sense)…  At least in other people’s minds…  In mine, I know what I want to do… I’m just not sure if it’s what I need to do.

Does that even make sense?  Probably not.  

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