Another 365 Days Past…


Holy End-of-the-Year Batman!!!

I can’t believe there is only 24 hours left of 2012.  This year flew by faster than I realized.  So much has changed in the last 12 months.  Some for the better, some not.  It’s funny how time passes.  You either realize it, or you don’t.

This time last year I was still unemployed, still miserable and dealing with the effects of my DUI, dealing with personal drama, and spent most of my time wishing I was anyone but me.  I hated everything I had put myself through, everything that people had made me feel, and mostly hated myself and who I was.

This year, life has changed… s  l  o  w  l  y, but it’s getting better.  I managed to start putting my DUI behind me by finishing the last of the requirements and even starting to put a dent in the chunk of money I owe family members for all their financial help for court/fines.  Thinking about it now, I can’t believe that it was almost 2 years ago…  It still seems like yesterday that I was waking up to my mom yelling and shoving tickets in my face.   The effects of the DUI will stay with me forever.  It will haunt my background and always come up in future job interviews on ambulances.  At this point, I’m still not “hire-able” because the insurance cost’s to cover an employee with a DUI are disgustingly high.  The soonest I can expect to be considered for an ambulance job is 2014 (Only one more year!)  I’m still volunteering at my rescue squad (three years now) so my foot is still holding the door open.  I love my EMS job and won’t give up trying to get hired.  One more year and more doors will start to open.  Just have to keep my head up.

In the meantime, I’ve finally gotten off of unemployment, or rather my benefits ended…  It took 15 months and hundreds of online job applications, but I finally got my ass back into the work force.  September, a crew member from my rescue squad hooked me up with a job at a Doctor office.  The best part?  Its ten minutes down the road.  The crappy part?  The Doc is a jerk and I have to tolerate being called “stupid” in front of patients for his mistakes and little things like not putting 20 pieces of tape on an IV line.  Each day, I wake up and shake of the bullshit from the day before, and be thankful that I have a job.  I think about kittens and glitter as he bashes me and remind myself of how lucky I am to be employed and how good it will look on a future resume and for my medic class.  Oh, and medic class?  Never made it this year.  But it’s still in my future.  With everything going on, I needed to be in a more stable area of my life to take on that heavy load.  Maybe next year?  For now, I’m happy volunteering at my squad, working, paying of debt, and taking care of things that need to be tended too.

I’ve focused on trying to surround myself with healthy people.  I have spent much time with my niece, who is now 3 years-old, and the rest of my family.  I’ve gotten closer to the people I’ve worked with for the past three years on the rescue squad, and gotten to see that I can have fun with them and be myself.  I don’t have to worry about them accepting the person I am outside the firehouse, because I finally see that I’m pretty much the person that they see inside the station.  For some reason I saw myself as two different people, ‘EMT Leah’ and ‘Real Leah’.  Turns out ‘Real Leah’ was ‘EMT Leah’.  I don’t know why I was afraid to show my crew members who I was outside the firehouse.  They love me no matter what.  A handful of them really are that second family the job gives you, if your lucky.  It’s a little sad that it took me 26 years to really crack open who I really am, but its better late than never.

When 2012 started, I hoped for the best but expected the worst.  After all, it usually is the story of my life…  However, this year I really focused on me.  I turned down numerous dates (that I knew would go nowhere), I turned down people I care for and care for me, because I have to work on some issues.  I still need to focus on me, my life.  Getting it all back together again.  I don’t want to be half way to getting on my feet and get tripped up by silly relationships or bullshit emotions.  I put my heart out this year, and it was stomped on.  After Andy, I “dated” one guy, who I honestly didn’t care about… this year N* and I reconnected, stronger than ever… and I thought that maybe this time he and I had a real shot to be together.  I decided to put my heart out there, only to have it ripped out…. more than I would like to admit.  It just reaffirmed to me that I’m still not ready to be a in a relationship, and even more so, made me re-think a relationship that I most likely, threw away.  Did I make the right choice last year?  Did I make a huge mistake?  I’m not sure, because it seems like Andy is doing better than ever, and I wonder if would have made the changes and strides he made, and I not broken his heart?

With all that gushy shit said…  I’ve also realized something else this year, slightly related and unrelated to the last paragraph.  I want a baby.  So much so, that it scares me.  I want to be a mother.  I want a little mini-me to mold, teach, love, and hold.  I am going to be 27 in 2013.  The place I am now, it not where I expected to be at this age…  I have no intentions of rushing out and making a baby, but I want one.  I watched my niece grow the last three years, and this year finally got to see how cool and fun motherhood will be.  The “When are you going to have one?” remarks from my mom aren’t helping.  Watching my niece makes me excited to think about the future, what the next year may (or may not) hold.  I can’t wait to get back on my feet and get into a solid relationship.  I am excited to think about what will happen once I get all that together.

I pulled a lot together in 2012 that I didn’t expect.  I become more comfortable with myself as an individual.  I found a job in this rough economy.  I made friends with people I’ve known for years.  I quit a bad habit that has been a crutch since I was 14.  I found out a little bit more about myself.  I’ve grown up a little bit more.  I’ve hurt people, and been hurt.  I’ve been proud of myself, and even prouder of others.  I’ve learned about myself, and about people I care about.  I went to concerts (2 Justin Moore shows{thank you} and a handful of MDR shows) and had good times sober {or sober enough to remember, lol}).  I put myself out there in ways that I haven’t in a long time, and it felt good.  I only hope to do it more next year!

I can’t wait to see what 2013 holds!  Seeing as the world didn’t end on the 21st, I would say that things are looking pretty good.  I can’t wait until I pay off all my family members and get to the point where I can get myself a few nice things before I start stashing cash for an apartment!  I can’t wait to see how many hearts I break, or how many break mine (sounds goofy, I know).  I can’t wait to truck through 2013 and hit 2014, to get on a paid ambulance, maybe (HOPEFULLY) as a medic!  I can’t wait to find out if my fundraiser idea for the squad gets picked up, so I can put it together!  I can’t wait to see who I meet and the good and bad times I have.  This year isn’t ending all that bad… I can’t wait to see what next year holds.  All I know, it I’m ending and beginning it with a MDR show, and that to me, is one of the best ways to start the New Year! ♥ ♥ ♥

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